Workshops and Courses
Kitty's heart currently is in diversity training. She has given workshops and courses to general, RELATE and rehabilitation counsellors; audiologists, doctors; speech, occupational and physical therapists; overseas health professionals; GP surgery personnel; and undergraduate and graduate students. Venues have been counselling and Rehabilitation Centres, and the Universities of London Brunell, Southampton, Sheffield, Kent, Penn State University, and the University of California in San Diego.
Workshop Topics
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Talking Topics
Here are particular concerns which I have either a special interest in, have recently taken courses in and/or a 'relationship area' which needs opening up and exploring for one reason or another.
- What are some of the things that make enduring marriages work ?
- What makes counselling or going to a counsellor so difficult for certain types of men or certain types of women?
- Parental alienation - ways to keep this from happening if you are separating from your partner. So much talk, but how do you really put the needs of your children first ?!
- The psychological processes involved in divorce: why happens psychologically when you part from your partner?
- How to know if you are ready to commit to your current partner or that you should graciously let go and both move on elsewhere?
- 'Red lights' in couple relationships and MOT tests ?
- 'Taboo' subjects in couple relationships : When to challenge them and when to let them be?
- Talking intimately: The seven kinds of intimacy and how to talk about them?
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Some big questionsclick on each question to read a full response
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WHAT MAKES COUNSELLING OR GOING TO A COUNSELLOR SO DIFFICULT FOR CERTAIN TYPES OF MEN OR CERTAIN TYPES OF WOMEN?
Ged Smith, English family therapist for over twenty-five years, has had a special interest in this topic and his doctoral research came up with some interesting findings. He discovered from the men who were his respondents that they had been socialised ‘to be a man’ in such a way that their beliefs directly countered the prevailing values of counselling. Below is an example of what he found.
The men in his study believed that being a man meant that you behave in the following way:
This view of masculinity often directly counters the values and behaviour expected during the counselling process. Here men are expected to
If these two lists are juxtapositioned, one can see that they are directly opposed. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that taking part in counselling for many men is a threat to their male identity. The challenge for the counsellor is to help their male clients to re-socialise themselves so that they can accept their vulnerable side, but still remain male.
The men in his study believed that being a man meant that you behave in the following way:
- You hide your private life
- You maintain control
- You sexualise intimacy
- You show strength
- You express pride
- You present yourself as invincible
- You are self-reliant
- You are stoic
- You take action
This view of masculinity often directly counters the values and behaviour expected during the counselling process. Here men are expected to
- Self-disclose
- Renounce control
- Have non sexual intimacy
- Reveal weakness
- Feel shame
- Be vulnerable
- Seek help
- Express emotions
- Be reflective
If these two lists are juxtapositioned, one can see that they are directly opposed. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that taking part in counselling for many men is a threat to their male identity. The challenge for the counsellor is to help their male clients to re-socialise themselves so that they can accept their vulnerable side, but still remain male.
WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION AND WHY IT IS HURTFUL TO CHILDREN
All helping professionals in the service of separating couples are facing that parental alienation is undoubtedly a form of child neglect or abuse.
How does it happen? The average divorce rate is seen to be 45% in Europe. Of this group, a certain percentage of couples, 11-15% (Zimmerman and Hill, 2018) will retreat in to what has been called parental alienation behaviour.
What does this mean? Practitioners and academics do not agree on an exact definition. It can be understood as existing on a continuum from mild to severe. According to Zimmerman and Hill (2018), one of the parents, most often the resident one, subjugates their children to alienating views about the other parent. The expectation is that the child(ren) will then treat the non-resident parent to extreme hostility, contempt, disobedience, defiance and rejection. Put more simply, Sue Whitcombe (2017) refers to parental alienation as a child’s rejection of a loved and loving parent and often that parent’s family and friends as well.
This suggests that dismissing one parent is often one way that children may have of coping with the entrenched dislike if not hatred that one parent manifests towards the other. It is often found that the child will feel that they have to choose between the non-resident and resident parent or risk losing the resident parent’s love and protection.
In the absence of proven abuse and when the child vehemently denies wanting to see one of their parents, professionals working with these cases, should be alert to the possibility that parental alienation is occurring. At the same time that a child may be withdrawing from one parent, they may also be destroying the part of themselves which is like that parent, a form of psychological self harm.
However, it is believed that with some help, parents can learn to continue to relate to their partners despite the hurt and anger that they may continue to feel. Thinking systematically, they can also learn how to meet each other’s needs better in the first place so that ‘difference’ need not lead to separation.
Counsellors and family therapists can facilitate the separating of their couple clients, by helping to contain the separating process. Unfortunately, the court system, may in fact, do the opposite because of the nature of the current adversarial legal system.
It is hoped that change is on its way. For example, it is beginning to be understood by professionals across the board, that regardless of what one parent has done or said, it is important psychologically for both parents to be part of a child’s life. Therefore, in the majority of cases, it can be presumed that both parents are ‘good enough’ – competent and caring enough and not in need of further assessment.
Also it is suggested that the resident parent should get at least as much scrutiny as is given to the qualities and proposals of the non-resident parent.
Therefore when it comes to uncertainty in court about child placement, what needs to be considered is that “ a child is placed with the parent assessed as best able to support the child’s relationship with the other parent” (Old, 2018). Seeing the situation in this light right from the start is, in fact, the best thing for the child and may prevent either parent from being demonised.
If, on the other hand, a parent is alleged to be at risk or to have committed a crime, then they should be assessed by appropriately qualified agencies, or be charged and face the due processes of the law.
This is in contrast to parents being removed from the care of and contact with their children just because of informal decisions based on prejudiced cultural-views about evil men and unmotherly women, applied subjectively by one parent and their supporters against the other (Old, 2018).
Various professionals have been using innovative strategies in an effort to circumvent the nightmarish situations that sometimes happen when couples separate and become alienated. The Dutch have found, for example, that it is very helpful to work with a group of alienated couples. They have also found it helpful to have the couples’ children present and to initially introduce an atmosphere of ‘play.’ (Lawick and Visser, 2018).
How does it happen? The average divorce rate is seen to be 45% in Europe. Of this group, a certain percentage of couples, 11-15% (Zimmerman and Hill, 2018) will retreat in to what has been called parental alienation behaviour.
What does this mean? Practitioners and academics do not agree on an exact definition. It can be understood as existing on a continuum from mild to severe. According to Zimmerman and Hill (2018), one of the parents, most often the resident one, subjugates their children to alienating views about the other parent. The expectation is that the child(ren) will then treat the non-resident parent to extreme hostility, contempt, disobedience, defiance and rejection. Put more simply, Sue Whitcombe (2017) refers to parental alienation as a child’s rejection of a loved and loving parent and often that parent’s family and friends as well.
This suggests that dismissing one parent is often one way that children may have of coping with the entrenched dislike if not hatred that one parent manifests towards the other. It is often found that the child will feel that they have to choose between the non-resident and resident parent or risk losing the resident parent’s love and protection.
In the absence of proven abuse and when the child vehemently denies wanting to see one of their parents, professionals working with these cases, should be alert to the possibility that parental alienation is occurring. At the same time that a child may be withdrawing from one parent, they may also be destroying the part of themselves which is like that parent, a form of psychological self harm.
However, it is believed that with some help, parents can learn to continue to relate to their partners despite the hurt and anger that they may continue to feel. Thinking systematically, they can also learn how to meet each other’s needs better in the first place so that ‘difference’ need not lead to separation.
Counsellors and family therapists can facilitate the separating of their couple clients, by helping to contain the separating process. Unfortunately, the court system, may in fact, do the opposite because of the nature of the current adversarial legal system.
It is hoped that change is on its way. For example, it is beginning to be understood by professionals across the board, that regardless of what one parent has done or said, it is important psychologically for both parents to be part of a child’s life. Therefore, in the majority of cases, it can be presumed that both parents are ‘good enough’ – competent and caring enough and not in need of further assessment.
Also it is suggested that the resident parent should get at least as much scrutiny as is given to the qualities and proposals of the non-resident parent.
Therefore when it comes to uncertainty in court about child placement, what needs to be considered is that “ a child is placed with the parent assessed as best able to support the child’s relationship with the other parent” (Old, 2018). Seeing the situation in this light right from the start is, in fact, the best thing for the child and may prevent either parent from being demonised.
If, on the other hand, a parent is alleged to be at risk or to have committed a crime, then they should be assessed by appropriately qualified agencies, or be charged and face the due processes of the law.
This is in contrast to parents being removed from the care of and contact with their children just because of informal decisions based on prejudiced cultural-views about evil men and unmotherly women, applied subjectively by one parent and their supporters against the other (Old, 2018).
Various professionals have been using innovative strategies in an effort to circumvent the nightmarish situations that sometimes happen when couples separate and become alienated. The Dutch have found, for example, that it is very helpful to work with a group of alienated couples. They have also found it helpful to have the couples’ children present and to initially introduce an atmosphere of ‘play.’ (Lawick and Visser, 2018).
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE READY TO COMMIT TO YOUR CURRENT PARTNER OR THAT YOU SHOULD GRACIOUSLY LET GO AND BOTH MOVE ON ELSEWHERE?
A very useful tool in assessing your love relationship is the love triangle developed by Robert Sternberg. He was a professor and member of the Department of Psychology and Yale University in the USA and he wanted to study the nature of love. He was aware that some think of love as physical passion and others think of it as long lasting affection. He was aware that some people believed in love at first sight while others think that it takes years to develop.
So Sternberg went about asking a lot of people a lot of questions. After going over all their answers, he came up with a triangle which he felt did a pretty good job in describing what the people he had spoken to thought about the nature of love.
It had three components which formed a triangle.
l. At the top of the triangle is ‘intimacy.’ The best example of intimacy is what most of us know as friendship. It is when people like each other and there is a feeling of closeness, connectedness and trust.
2. At the left side of the triangle is ‘ passion.’ This about infatuation, physical attraction, and sexual arousal and tends to occur at the beginning of a relationship.
3. Then on the right side of the triangle is ‘ decision/commitment.’ This has two stages. On the short term, there is the decision that one will love a certain person. Then on the long term, there is the commitment to maintain that love.
The three components will not occur all at once, but will be stronger or weaker at different times in the relationship. If the intimacy, passion and short term commitment are strong, this suggests that the couple are ready to make their commitment long term. However, if a relationship only has one love component in it, the relationship really does not contain enough stability within it to endure.
So Sternberg went about asking a lot of people a lot of questions. After going over all their answers, he came up with a triangle which he felt did a pretty good job in describing what the people he had spoken to thought about the nature of love.
It had three components which formed a triangle.
l. At the top of the triangle is ‘intimacy.’ The best example of intimacy is what most of us know as friendship. It is when people like each other and there is a feeling of closeness, connectedness and trust.
2. At the left side of the triangle is ‘ passion.’ This about infatuation, physical attraction, and sexual arousal and tends to occur at the beginning of a relationship.
3. Then on the right side of the triangle is ‘ decision/commitment.’ This has two stages. On the short term, there is the decision that one will love a certain person. Then on the long term, there is the commitment to maintain that love.
The three components will not occur all at once, but will be stronger or weaker at different times in the relationship. If the intimacy, passion and short term commitment are strong, this suggests that the couple are ready to make their commitment long term. However, if a relationship only has one love component in it, the relationship really does not contain enough stability within it to endure.
LIFE OFTEN IS VERY BUSY AND A COUPLE CAN FIND THEMSELVES SPENDING ALL THEIR TIME JUST SURVIVING FROM DAY TO DAY
– keeping to a routine that sees that their children are well cared for and that there is enough food on the table, money in the bank and negotiating what when. If they are fortunate enough to be able to give time and thought to their couple relationship beyond these basics, they may encounter the luxury (for some) of ‘intimacy factor.
For most people, ‘intimacy’ in relationships is a feeling of closeness and sharing with another in one or more of a number of areas. Below is a list of what some of these areas might be. If you were to add or subtract from this list, you might want to consider what you would you change?
For most people, ‘intimacy’ in relationships is a feeling of closeness and sharing with another in one or more of a number of areas. Below is a list of what some of these areas might be. If you were to add or subtract from this list, you might want to consider what you would you change?
- emotional intimacy - experiencing a closeness of feeling. For example, this might occur when partners look at their sleeping children together. They may then look at each other and smile. They have hoth experienced a warm feeling about their children and this generates a warm feeling for each other. Emotional intimacy need not be about children and the feeling need not be warm. For example, it could be a common feeling of sadness or anger over the political situation in their country. These common emotional feelings can bring the couple closer. Men and women can sometimes get tripped up by the fact that they can experience opposite emotions from having the same experience such as the death of a child. Counselling may explore this difference and hopefully bring them back together again.
- social intimacy - the experience of having common friends and similarities in social network. A couple can make a conscious effort here. They may come together with each one having their own network. Some of those friends will become ‘common friends’ to both partners and thus increase their social intimacy. Other friends may be dropped or just continue with one of the partners. In some instances where one partner is very introverted, the more social partner may invite their partner to join in with the social network that they have already formulated so that he/she will simply adopt what the other partner has already formed with both being happy with this.
- intellectual intimacy - the experience of sharing ideas – intellectual intimacy is much more important to those couples who have had a good education and who value stimulation and things of the mind. They may read some of the same books together, may attend some of the same lectures, write papers together and generally enjoy intellectual discussion about life experiences.
- sexual intimacy - the experience of sharing affection and/or sexual activity. Sadly, some people get sexual intimacy confused with intimacy more generally. In other words, all experiences are sexualised and having sex with a partner becomes the end goal of all encounters. The more mature partners usually realise that pleasure through sexual activity is simply one expression of intimacy with different couples putting a higher or lower value on to it. They may also realise that affection and sexual activity have different levels of involvement
- recreational intimacy - shared experiences of interests, hobbies, mutual participation in sporting events. The World Cup is a very good example of recreational intimacy(or the reverse in some cases!) which may be with a couple, with friends or with a whole nation. This is especially noticed when that nation wins a game. Generally, in this context, we are referring to couple and family hobbies connected with sports, animal care, health, cooking, making things or playing musical instruments. The involvement and closeness can be very intense or fairly superficial. It can last a life time or simply be a stage that one is passing through.
- spiritual intimacy - This is about a couple sharing a vision of ultimate concerns, a similar sense of meaning in life and/or religious faith. This is for couples who have an interest in spiritual or religious expression and a belief in a higher being that requires focus and worship. The commitment level towards religious observance may vary between the couple, but they nevertheless share an abiding faith in the goodness of life and this is nurtured jointly.
- aesthetic intimacy – this is the closeness that results when a couple shares a similar sense of what is beautiful. It may involve enjoying nature on a forest walk, attending a beautiful musical concert, enjoying viewing paintings at an art gallery or just looking out at a view from the top of a mountain. It may be a beautiful film or play. It may be simple or complex, an everyday event or experience or a very special occasion. The closeness comes from having similar sensibilities.
Course feedback -
I felt my comments were valued. I felt great warmth and respect both from and for the tutor
I thoroughly enjoyed the experience - the facilitator was refreshing in the way the subject of ' Difference and Diversity' was presented and explored. A very rich experience...Thank you.
The most useful diversity training I have attended. Thought-provoking and instantly relatable to my counselling practice....thank you.
Trainer was clearly knowledgeable and I enjoyed the discussions.
